Untitled
by Optimistic-Pessimistz
Summary: Angsty Ru... that's seems to be all I can write about nowadays... Re-formatted and re-edited.


**Title:** Untitled

**Author:** OptimisticPessimist, a.k.a. SeraphKirin

**Pairing/s:** RuHana

**Rating:** PG-13

**Status:** One-Shot

**Genre:** Angst

**Chapter:** 1/?

**Email:** seraphkirinhotmail.com

**Disclaimers:** All Disclaimers Apply.

**Archive:** SDBC, Fanfiction.net and Fandomination.net... that's about it I think.

**Author's Notes:** This is angst from Rukawa's POV again... I think I've exaggerated his reactions too much and there is quite a lot of repetition and reiteration... Recently, I seem to be on a fic-writing roll... scratches head I might as well make good use of it, huh?****

Untitled 

Rukawa's POV

Look here.

I never asked for these feelings.

I never asked for this to happen.

Hell, I never wanted you to know about the forbidden feelings within me that tempts me so much day by day to take you, to possess you, to make you fully mine...

But I couldn't give in.

No... I **wouldn't** give in.

Don't look at me like that.

I never wanted to hurt you. Believe me in this even if you do not believe me about the rest.

**Believe me**. Hurting you is the last thing on Earth that I would do intentionally.

I never wanted you to know about these... **these accursed feelings of mine**. I knew that you would look at me in disgust, just as you are looking at me right now...

Please... listen to me... if only for a little while.

Don't look away, **please**.  I know this is too sudden for you to accept, but please… please listen to me… and I **swear** that I will never bother you again...

Good.

Thank you for staying. You don't know how grateful I am to you for staying...

Believe me, I know just how difficult it is for you to accept this... especially from a person like me...

You know what?

I never imagined I would be in this kind of a situation before.

And you know what else?

I know I should've left well enough alone.

But I couldn't.

**I wouldn't.**

And I don't regret it one bit.

I no longer care about my pride, my dignity... and what you will think of me after this... And since this is already inevitable... you might as well listen to what I have to say.

All I ask from you is one chance... one single chance to say what I have hidden underneath this façade of mine all this time...

You can do whatever you want after listening to what I have to say.

Just please... listen to me.

Yes? I can't hear you properly. What are you trying to say?

**Wha-? **

You think I want to hurt you by doing this?

Boy, are you naïve.

Then why, you ask.

Why indeed.

I asked myself that very same question when I realized my feelings for you went deeper than merely comradeship.

Initially, I thought I was imagining things when our teammate pointed out that I was probably in love with you.

But I wasn't.

Then I felt that this was just another of those crazy phases that we teenagers undergo at this age.

But it wasn't.

With all the girls chasing after me, I thought I would eventually fall in love with a girl in time.

But I did not.

**I could not.**

I tried to force myself to forget about you.

Forget this feeling.

Forget that I was lusting after something that would be forever out of my reach.

Forget that every single time you smiled, you were not smiling for me.

Forget that every time you said, "I hate you," another wound takes its place on my already bloody and scarred heart.

But I could not.

**I could not. **

I can't... can't you see?

You're embedded too deeply within me.

You're like an addiction that I can never break... at least, not in this lifetime.

**Lord**, you don't know how difficult it was for me to hide these feelings from you... there were so many times that I wanted to break my façade and show you how I really feel, but I dared not. I did not want to risk jeopardising the fragile acknowledgement that we have for each other...

But... there's no use in saying that now, is there? Just by making the decision to confess my feelings towards you has destroyed all possibility of us ever becoming friends...God, I feel so stupid for doing this... taking a chance that you might feel the same way too... I guess the joke is on me this time...

Do you know that every expression on your face, every word that you say, every gesture that you make... practically everything that symbolises how important you are to me... everything has been burnt into my mind, heart and body like a red hot branding iron?

I tried to deny this as long as I could...

God knows how hard I tried...

But I could no longer deny that you have left your mark of possession upon me... even if you yourself do not realize it.

Yes, this is the truth. Don't look at me so incredulously; the expression doesn't suit you...

I **need** you.

I **want** you.

I **love** you.

Don't.

Don't look away. You **know** I'm telling the truth.

Please... don't shut this out... not now... not now when I finally get the chance to tell you my true feelings for you...

Don't pretend that you are hallucinating about this.

You aren't.

This is reality. I am standing right in front of you now confessing my feelings for you…

Look at me.

**Look at me.**

Look at the monstrosity that I have become ever since I fell for you.

There is no other creature in existence that is uglier than what I have become.

Yes. Me.

Yes, you did not imagine that. I **did** say it.

Please take that disbelieving look off your face. No matter how much other people praise my outward comeliness, there remains the fact that I am revolting to look at on the inside.

Why?

Why what?

Why I say I'm ugly?

I'll tell you why.

Envy has mutilated my insides with intolerable pain every time I see you with another person who isn't me. Hatred has disfigured whatever goodness I have left within me and twisted those into an indescribable blackness inside me that I can find no way out of.

Every time I'm with you, I hurt.

**I hurt.**

The pain surges and swells like a tsunami wave and destroys every single part of me day-by-day, night by night, time after time…

I hurt.

No, this is no dream.

I repeat: **THIS IS NOT A DREAM!**

Don't.

Don't do this to me.

Don't deny me this right.

Don't deny me the right to tell you about my feelings. The right for you to know about this even if you would have preferred that you never knew about this.

I know you've never seen me like this before.

And I swear to God that I've never been like this before I met you.

Pain visible in my eyes. My normally cool visage contorted into some weird expression of anguish. Myself ranting and raving like a lunatic, pleading and begging like a person in the straits of desperation... I'm even trembling with the force of the emotions that you evoke in me. This passion that I have long admired and lusted in you... it is ironic that it only appears at this time...

I love you.

No.

You aren't hearing things.

I love you.

And I can only hope that you love me too...

But that is hardly possible...

You're one of the straightest guys I've ever seen.

I love you.

Aishiteru, koibito.

Even if you're going to reject me. Even if my heart is going to shatter in the very next moment when I hear your answer. Even if you already love another...

I won't regret telling you this. Not ever.

...

Sou ka...

I understand.

Regardless of this, I will still continue loving you. **That**, you do not have control over.

I sincerely hope that you will find happiness with that person but I won't stop hoping that you will, one day, fall in love with me.

Stop it.

I don't need your pity. I still have my pride.

Leave me to my dreams, itoshii. And I will leave you to yours.

You have most undoubtedly shattered mine tonight, but I do not hate you.

Love cannot be forced.

And since I am the unneeded here, I leave you to your solitude... we do, after all, have basketball practice tomorrow and we **do** need our beauty sleep.

Goodnight. I'll see you tomorrow.

OWARI 

**Author's notes:** Another depressing fic (I'm noted in my school for my depressing stories than anything else… NOT something to be proud of, I assure you…) Hope you guys like it anyway. Help me dream up a title for this fic… I can't think of one good enough for this…

I'm thinking of writing a sequel to this like my 1st "Sayonara: Hanamichi's POV" fic. Mebbe I should write a sequel to both, huh? scratches head Well I dunno! Ideas & suggestions & reviews welcome, folks!

Ja ne!


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